Lost and found

I lost myself. 

I used to know who I was and what sort of a person I was.

But somewhere in the middle, I lost myself. 

It was easy for me to blame someone else for whatever was going wrong in my life and for the misery I was feeling. And it took me a long time to realize that it was me.

I was unhappy because of who I'd turned into. My life wasn't going right because of all that I was doing.

Maybe others noticed. Maybe they didn't. But I did. I noticed it a long time ago. But I just thought it was one of those things. You live, you mess up, you learn and you change. And maybe that's what it really was. But I was learning the wrong lessons and I was changing in the wrong way.

That was not me. That anger and spite and resentment and misery. That was not me. I am calm and happy. I like laughing and being nice to people and letting go of things. 

I started to think that maybe that's not how I'm supposed to be. Like maybe I was being too pliable and compliant and I should stand up for myself more. Maybe I did need to reexamine my reactions to things. But not like this. 

I liked who I used to be. I wasn't perfect and life is all about changing yourself. But I did it all wrong. And I honestly don't care who says what about that. I wasn't happy with myself- and if you're not happy with who you are, then what the hell are you doing with your life? I had made myself miserable for whatever reason and I felt it. And I wanted to put it on him and her and them, but I realized that until I changed myself, it would stay the same. No matter what part of the world I went to, no matter who I left and who I picked up on the way, it would stay the same until I did what was right. And I did. Or I'm trying to. 

And I feel happy. Or happier, at any rate. They really weren't kidding when they said that your happiness lies with you. And that if you want change, you have to change.

You live, you learn- right?