Eat. Pray. Love. And then eat some more.

I have these moments every now and then when I'm at peace. Even if shit has hit the ceiling and nothing is right. I feel peace. I just know that its all on me. And that makes me feel better than anything else can. I don't like being powerless. I don't like thinking there's nothing I can do. But you're never really powerless. Even its something as simple as looking within yourself and finding that little bit of peace you need- its on you.

Sometimes I don't understand it.

Maybe its because I'm mostly alone now. I used to think that taking time away from people and discovering yourself was something made up by rich white people who had too much money and time on their hands. But honestly, just looking out my window, at the trees and the sky and the handful of people playing on the field opposite my building- I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon. Its quiet and peaceful. And its just what I need right now, when everything in my life is chaotic and messy. I need this silence and calm.

I don't know what's happening. I don't what my future holds. Or where this will end up. But I know everything is going to be okay. God hasn't ever let me down and He won't leave me now. When I got here, I used to feel alone. Like I had nothing and no one to turn to here, but I was walking to work today and I realized that I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel alone here anymore. I know there's somewhere out there who's got my back and with Him looking out for me, there's nothing that can go wrong. I can't thank Him enough for giving me the strength and patience to face the world and whatever comes at me and for making me realize that I don't need to weigh myself down with anger and sorrow and with the flaws and mistakes of others- that isn't on me. I don't need to rage and fight and be miserable- I can let it all go. All I have to do is forgive and forget- even if the other person doesn't realize s/he needs it- and He'll take care of the rest.

I know I sound a bit off and kooky to everyone with my new philosophy and almost everyone is just waiting for me to stop with this nonsense and just go back to normal. But I don't want to. You might not understand it, you might think I'm being stupid and acting like a doormat and you might think its a just a phase but I'm happy. But its more than that- happiness is fleeting and it comes and goes- I'm content. My insides are at peace and even when I'm sad and nothing makes sense to me- I know that life is okay.

And that's pretty much all that matters.