Times I didn't hit send #3

I don't know what we are. I don't know if we're friends or beyond that or almost back together. I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't feel right if I don't talk to you. It doesn't feel right if I let a day go by without making sure we're both okay.
I feel like we're walking on a tightrope and the smallest of things can throw us over. And I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure we get to the other side. But I don't know how. I can't do it alone and I feel like I have to. Like making sure getting to the other side matters more to me than it does to you. And that's what you've made me believe. Every time you told me it's not you, it's me. Every time you told me I can do whatever I want and you'll deal accordingly. That's what you made me believe.
You asked me what I'm so stressed about and I left this part out. With everything else, I feel like I have to carry this friendship or this relationship forward on my own. And I can't do it. It's too much and I can't do it. And I can't even tell you about it because I'll just be ruining things.
Things have been so good with us and you have been so perfect but there are moments like these when I just feel so utterly alone and you're not there to make it go away.

Times I didn't hit send #2

There is a million things I want to say to you but they come and go.
You don't know me the way you should. Did you know that there's two places that simultaneously fascinate me and scare the crap out of me? Outer space and the ocean. I don't know much about either but whenever I see something on marine animals, I read it! I can't step on the crack in the pavement- it makes my feet feel weird. And a million other things. And there's so much about you that I don't know.
It pisses me off when I think about this. Why didn't we do this? Why didn't we get to know each other more? We spent the first month together looking for places to make out when we should have just talked to each other. We were just idiots who got serious without really realizing what was happening or how we should be handling it.

Times I didn't hit send #1

You expect too much of me. I love that you want me to be better. But I'm fucking human. I am not perfect and I never will be. I accept you with your flaws and imperfections and I think you're all the more beautiful for having them and it kills me that I can't have the same thing. I hate that you can list ten horrible things about me in 5 seconds but it'd probably take you a day to list down 10 good things- or maybe it won't, I don't know because I haven't heard anything good about myself from you in ages.
Couples love each other for their quirks and habits and I don't even know what you like about me anymore. You hate everything, from the way I walk to my choice in jewellery to the shows I watch to my love for blogging to forgetfulness. What do I have left that you like?
It's okay if you don't like all that stuff- you're entitled to your opinion and dislikes. But who loves me for me? You call this Tumblr shit, but you have that person. I love you just the way you are. But I don't have that. What's wrong with me that I can't have that? Why can't I have that? Why can't YOU give me that?
I shouldn't be asking that. I shouldn't feel the need to ask that. I should not be doubting myself and hating myself. But I am. And it makes me feel just a bit unloved.

Fleeting smiles and lavender silhouettes

She puts on her mother’s dress. It hangs off her small frame, the straps falling off her shoulders but she doesn't seem to notice. She puts curlers in her hair and red lipstick on her lips, accidentally smearing it across her right cheek. She ties the clasp of the pearl necklace around her neck. Exactly like a grown up. Exactly like her mother. She looks in the mirror and smiles.

Her mother looks in from the doorway. Her clothes flung around the room, expensive dresses strewn across the floor. Her makeup scattered all over the dressing table. And she looks at the child smiling at herself in the mirror. She feels something pull at her heart.

Stop. Don’t. Stay a child. Don’t grow up. Don’t have your heart broken. Don’t face life. Just curl up in your bed and pull the covers over your head. Stay there for as long as you can. Believe that you’ll be safe there. Believe I’ll protect you- from anything and everything. Know that you’ll be safe there and know that I’ll do whatever I can to keep it that way.  There’s nothing good for you over here. So just stay.

She opens her mouth to speak. To say all the words she wants to. She wants to run to the child and take her in her arms and keep her there forever, where she’ll be safe. Where she’ll be able to protect her. She clasps her hands in front of her heart to quell the ache. And she straightens up. There’s no time for weakness.

“Clean up the room.”

And she watches the smile disappear.

Losing track

I forgot again.

I was half asleep and half awake. Or maybe I was dreaming. I'm not sure.
But I forgot.

And I started making plans. You used to love spas. And I started planning going for a pedicure with you when you come to Vancouver. I saw you- sitting in a white robe, with your feet in a tub of water. You looked the same.

For a brief period of time. I completely forgot.

I thought I'd see you again. And I thought you'd come visit me soon. And I was making plans for us to spend days just spending time with each other.

And when I woke up, I felt so stupid.

Its been a decade. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I guess not.

Eat. Pray. Love. And then eat some more.

I have these moments every now and then when I'm at peace. Even if shit has hit the ceiling and nothing is right. I feel peace. I just know that its all on me. And that makes me feel better than anything else can. I don't like being powerless. I don't like thinking there's nothing I can do. But you're never really powerless. Even its something as simple as looking within yourself and finding that little bit of peace you need- its on you.

Sometimes I don't understand it.

Maybe its because I'm mostly alone now. I used to think that taking time away from people and discovering yourself was something made up by rich white people who had too much money and time on their hands. But honestly, just looking out my window, at the trees and the sky and the handful of people playing on the field opposite my building- I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon. Its quiet and peaceful. And its just what I need right now, when everything in my life is chaotic and messy. I need this silence and calm.

I don't know what's happening. I don't what my future holds. Or where this will end up. But I know everything is going to be okay. God hasn't ever let me down and He won't leave me now. When I got here, I used to feel alone. Like I had nothing and no one to turn to here, but I was walking to work today and I realized that I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel alone here anymore. I know there's somewhere out there who's got my back and with Him looking out for me, there's nothing that can go wrong. I can't thank Him enough for giving me the strength and patience to face the world and whatever comes at me and for making me realize that I don't need to weigh myself down with anger and sorrow and with the flaws and mistakes of others- that isn't on me. I don't need to rage and fight and be miserable- I can let it all go. All I have to do is forgive and forget- even if the other person doesn't realize s/he needs it- and He'll take care of the rest.

I know I sound a bit off and kooky to everyone with my new philosophy and almost everyone is just waiting for me to stop with this nonsense and just go back to normal. But I don't want to. You might not understand it, you might think I'm being stupid and acting like a doormat and you might think its a just a phase but I'm happy. But its more than that- happiness is fleeting and it comes and goes- I'm content. My insides are at peace and even when I'm sad and nothing makes sense to me- I know that life is okay.

And that's pretty much all that matters.

Have you ever?

Have you ever missed someone?

And I don't mean just remembered him and felt sad about not having him there. I mean, actually, really missed someone?

To the point that you can almost feel his hand holding yours or his arms wrapped around you, holding you as you lie in your bed.

Felt the almost physical ache of not having him there by your side. Or felt that nothing is going to be okay or right until you can curl up in his arms again. 

Have you ever gone somewhere incredibly beautiful- maybe to see a sunset, or just driven by the waterfront at night and seen the entire city twinkling with lights- and only thought about him because nothing means anything without him there?

Have you ever gone to clubs or parties and danced and danced but even through all the music and the people, all you wanted was to have that one person dancing with you and the only way you could stop thinking about him was to dance harder and harder until all the thoughts left your mind?

Have you ever gotten in bed at night and started crying because you want to see his face and hear his voice and just have him hold you again? 

Have your eyes ever teared up as you picture his smile, his hands, his arms, his kisses, his hugs, his everything and anything?

Have you wanted to rage at the world because that's not who you want, none of them are who you want and no one will do but him?

Have you ever felt the agony of having felt all this and known that this is what its going to be like for the foreseeable future?

Have you ever missed someone so much that even through all your happiness, you're painfully aware of a void in your life which just won't be filled until he's there again?

Have you?

Lost and found

I lost myself. 

I used to know who I was and what sort of a person I was.

But somewhere in the middle, I lost myself. 

It was easy for me to blame someone else for whatever was going wrong in my life and for the misery I was feeling. And it took me a long time to realize that it was me.

I was unhappy because of who I'd turned into. My life wasn't going right because of all that I was doing.

Maybe others noticed. Maybe they didn't. But I did. I noticed it a long time ago. But I just thought it was one of those things. You live, you mess up, you learn and you change. And maybe that's what it really was. But I was learning the wrong lessons and I was changing in the wrong way.

That was not me. That anger and spite and resentment and misery. That was not me. I am calm and happy. I like laughing and being nice to people and letting go of things. 

I started to think that maybe that's not how I'm supposed to be. Like maybe I was being too pliable and compliant and I should stand up for myself more. Maybe I did need to reexamine my reactions to things. But not like this. 

I liked who I used to be. I wasn't perfect and life is all about changing yourself. But I did it all wrong. And I honestly don't care who says what about that. I wasn't happy with myself- and if you're not happy with who you are, then what the hell are you doing with your life? I had made myself miserable for whatever reason and I felt it. And I wanted to put it on him and her and them, but I realized that until I changed myself, it would stay the same. No matter what part of the world I went to, no matter who I left and who I picked up on the way, it would stay the same until I did what was right. And I did. Or I'm trying to. 

And I feel happy. Or happier, at any rate. They really weren't kidding when they said that your happiness lies with you. And that if you want change, you have to change.

You live, you learn- right?

Too far for far too long

Its the little things that get me every time. 

Remember when you got that old Indian song from your friend and you wanted to make me listen to it but ended up singing along to it. You sounded so happy, so serene and so perfect.

So I went and I looked for old videos of you singing. And I broke down. You'd be surprised at how strong and resilient I've been this past week. But the sound of your voice just made me sob like a child. 

There's no doubt about how good you sound and when you sing, it captivates me. You sound so strong and so sure and it amazes me how well I know that voice. And its been so long since I've heard you sing, it breaks my heart. 

I remember, last summer when you were interning and everyone at your office was sitting around and singing and I mentioned that I wanted to hear you sing too and you called me up all sneakily so I could hear you. You sounded so perfect then. Just like you sounded perfect in all those videos.

And it made me feel better and worse all at the same time. Your voice is like coming home. Its familiar and safe and warm. And its been so long since I've heard you sing. I don't think I've ever told you how much I miss it. Every time you sang along to some song or just randomly started singing while on the phone with me at night- it was amazing. 

Its the little things I miss. The sound of your voice, your singing, the phone calls from you while you drove home, random conversations about pointless things at night, leaving the leftover food in your car, kissing your cheek to smooth things over after I annoyed you, lacing my fingers through yours. Its always the fucking little things and I hate our situation all over again.

The inscrutibility of being

He looks up at the evening sun. He sees the children play, he sees them open their mouths and scream with all their might. He sees them clear as day. But he doesn’t hear them. He doesn’t hear anything. All he hears is silence. All he’s heard is silence for the past few years. He opens his mouth to speak but the words don’t come out. He ends up saying garbled gibberish and they look at him, confused, with polite smiles frozen on their faces. He realizes the futility of his efforts and smiles back and slowly lifts his hand to pat them on their heads one by one. They walk away, their duties done, smiling and giggling and talking to each other. Their voices nothing but faint murmurs to his ears.

He slowly walks back to his chair, his walking stick lying next to it, forgotten. He must remember to use it more often. His body isn’t what it once was. He is no longer the 6 ft. something, strapping young man he once was. He can barely stand now.

He thinks back to the old days; that is all he does now, think and reminisce. That is all he can do. He thinks about his childhood; his mother and his father. He thinks of his brother and sister. He thinks of his son and wife. All dead. He thinks about his nieces and nephews. Deserters who left him in his time of need. He thinks of his grandchildren. The only ones he has left; all so busy in their own lives that they can’t spare 5 minutes for him. But he doesn’t blame them. He doesn’t hold them to fault. He can’t. They’re his flesh and blood and his love for them goes beyond petty annoyances.

Then he thinks about his own life. He thinks about his childhood, spent in splendor during the British Raj. He thinks about his youth, spent laboring to get back to that splendor. He thinks about his drinking, gambling brother who left nothing for his children, save a loyal uncle. He thinks about his sister who died too young. He thinks about his mother, the wise woman who made one fatal mistake that led to the downfall of his entire family.

He thinks about his life spent doing menial jobs in order to feed his family. He thinks about the lands he was deployed to as a soldier, about the back-breaking labor he did. He thinks about his wife, the crude, harsh-talking woman he loved. He thinks about his one and only child, the son who defeated all odds for his parents and his children and left the world far too early. He thinks about the wars he fought in. He thinks about the Great War his uncles fought in. And he wonders if he should still be here.

He looks around once more. He tries to hear, but there is nothing but pin drop silence. He looks around and he sees with razor sharp clarity the sun fading into the mountains. And he wonders, how did it come to this?

I wrote this about you when you were still alive. I sometimes forget you're no longer here, I catch myself wanting to go see you and it suddenly hits me that I no longer can. You always seems so unbeatable to me. It all started with you and I am so proud of you. I wish I had said that to you while you were still here. But I know you're in a better place will everyone you love and I know I'll see you all again someday.

Love you, dadajan.

Slick. Suave. Ew.

Hot. Perfectly groomed. Rich. Womanizer. Sexpert. Big shmenis. Cocky. Confident. Arrogant. Cold.

You know, your run of the mill chick-lit guy.

Makes me wonder what the eff is going on in the average female mind. Do we really want him? A guy who's confident all the time? Who struts around raising his eyebrow at you, making you all sorts of nervous? The sort who's intimidating, way too intense and domineering. He's detached, full of himself and gives you these icy looks.

You know, the Mills and Boon, Judith McNaught, 50 Shades of Grey type.

Apparently that's supposed to get my panties all soaked.

But whatever happened to the regular guy?

The average Joe. Whose smile makes him look like a mischievous boy? Who can't bring himself to hold your hand so he starts off by brushing his hand against yours and then slowly takes it one finger at a time? Who gets nervous and feels shy and blushes every now and then? Who gets angry and sad and who laughs and cries? You know, feels the full spectrum of emotions. Who looks sexy in a suit but mostly ends up wearing jeans and oversized shirts and looking like a slob- even on your birthday, when you looked good enough to walk the red carpet? The one who shows you he can be just as vulnerable as you. That imperfect boy who's just all the more perfect for being flawed.

Why have we suddenly started wanting obnoxious assholes instead of them regular boys? I don't want some rich ass playboy who thinks too much of himself and is chock full of separation/abandonment/mommy issues. God. When did we decide the basket cases are hot? That guy is not sexy. He does not make me want to do it with him. If I met him, he would not sweep me off my feet, he would not make me speechless (unless it was out of ire or annoyance) and my first instinct would not be to drop my pants and get on all fours in front of him. Maybe I would have once. There was a time when I would have found him hot. But I'd like to think I've grown up. That guy is no longer my dream guy. He's a bit of a sex fiend, to be honest. He's nauseating and annoying and honestly, if I read one more romance novel with that guy in it, I will punch someone.

Ten times you were there for me

1. When my feet hurt from walking around in heels and you made me sit in the parking lot and gave me a foot massage before walking me back and letting me use your arm as a support.
2. Every time I ever fought with anyone and you made me feel better and told me how the other person was wrong but also, maybe I should have done things differently.
3. When my hand got messed up and you took me to the doctor just to make sure I got it checked and treated. 
4. When I got sick and couldn't get out of bed and kept crying and you stayed on the phone with me to make me feel better. Related: every time I get my periods and have horrible cramps and you make me feel better.
5. When I had nothing to do at work and was starving you showed up outside without telling me and made me leave early so we could go grab food.
6. When you took me to Fun City and played stupid arcade games with me. And when you got me the little snow globe and told me the little bears inside were you and me.
7. When you told me you would never stop me from going after my dreams and you'd always support me and have my back, no matter what I want to do.
8. Every time I got stranded anywhere and you came to pick me up and dropped me off. And waited for me, however reluctantly, till my car came.
9. When you went ahead and did me favors even though you were mad at me.
10. When you stayed on the phone and made me set up my room and taught me how to make an omelet on my first day in Canada.

Ten times you let me down

1. In Lahore when being with me was secondary to hanging out with your friend.
2. When I called you up upset about something while we were fighting and you told me you didn't care about anything in my life until I fixed things with you.
3. Every time you've taken one of my weaknesses and thrown it in my face during a fight, just to make a point.
4. When you told me you hated your birthday surprise last year and I give you really bad presents.
5. When it took you so long to get rid of her from your life, even though she hated me and said the worst sort of crap to you about me and our relationship. Most of which you never even told me at the time. 
6. When you told me I deserve everything you say to me. 
7. Every time I cry and you get pissed off without saying even a single thing to try to make it better.
8. When you told me I lie to you and make things up. And everything upsets me and hurts me and that is my problem, not yours.
9. When you told me I could either change or things would stay the same and I could go or stay and you'd just deal accordingly. On the same note, when you told me you wouldn't change even if it meant me leaving you.
10. When you told me you'd have to see me to tell me if you hated how I look now that I've lost weight or not.