When nothing makes sense.

You never understood my "emotional bullshit". You never understood why I like all those mushy posts or why I cried at TV shows or why every single Grey's Anatomy episode ended with me sending you emotional messages. Honestly, its just because I freaking love you. And I see you in everything. And everything, all that pain and emotion and love and sadness and happiness reminded me of you. If I was angry at you and I saw an episode where someone died in an accident, it would make me cry and get rid of my anger because I would start thinking of what if that was you and me. Everything reminded me of you.

You have that. You have that person who remembers you, who wants you. And who is willing to fight for you. And who wants to stay with you. And all I have is someone who wants to get rid of me. 

I want to scream and rage and get angry. I can't do this. I can't be that person who rises above. I tried so hard. I tried to let go of everything. But it all hurts. And I'm angry and bitter and sad and hurting. And I am not okay. I don't know what to do- I am so lost.

The only person I want to talk to who I know can help me make sense of this is you. But you are not an option right now. So I have to do it alone. I have to figure this out and I need time. But I'm so scared. I don't know what time will do. I don't know what I will want after this. And that scares me so much.

Times I didn't hit send #3

I don't know what we are. I don't know if we're friends or beyond that or almost back together. I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't feel right if I don't talk to you. It doesn't feel right if I let a day go by without making sure we're both okay.
I feel like we're walking on a tightrope and the smallest of things can throw us over. And I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure we get to the other side. But I don't know how. I can't do it alone and I feel like I have to. Like making sure getting to the other side matters more to me than it does to you. And that's what you've made me believe. Every time you told me it's not you, it's me. Every time you told me I can do whatever I want and you'll deal accordingly. That's what you made me believe.
You asked me what I'm so stressed about and I left this part out. With everything else, I feel like I have to carry this friendship or this relationship forward on my own. And I can't do it. It's too much and I can't do it. And I can't even tell you about it because I'll just be ruining things.
Things have been so good with us and you have been so perfect but there are moments like these when I just feel so utterly alone and you're not there to make it go away.

Times I didn't hit send #2

There is a million things I want to say to you but they come and go.
You don't know me the way you should. Did you know that there's two places that simultaneously fascinate me and scare the crap out of me? Outer space and the ocean. I don't know much about either but whenever I see something on marine animals, I read it! I can't step on the crack in the pavement- it makes my feet feel weird. And a million other things. And there's so much about you that I don't know.
It pisses me off when I think about this. Why didn't we do this? Why didn't we get to know each other more? We spent the first month together looking for places to make out when we should have just talked to each other. We were just idiots who got serious without really realizing what was happening or how we should be handling it.

Times I didn't hit send #1

You expect too much of me. I love that you want me to be better. But I'm fucking human. I am not perfect and I never will be. I accept you with your flaws and imperfections and I think you're all the more beautiful for having them and it kills me that I can't have the same thing. I hate that you can list ten horrible things about me in 5 seconds but it'd probably take you a day to list down 10 good things- or maybe it won't, I don't know because I haven't heard anything good about myself from you in ages.
Couples love each other for their quirks and habits and I don't even know what you like about me anymore. You hate everything, from the way I walk to my choice in jewellery to the shows I watch to my love for blogging to forgetfulness. What do I have left that you like?
It's okay if you don't like all that stuff- you're entitled to your opinion and dislikes. But who loves me for me? You call this Tumblr shit, but you have that person. I love you just the way you are. But I don't have that. What's wrong with me that I can't have that? Why can't I have that? Why can't YOU give me that?
I shouldn't be asking that. I shouldn't feel the need to ask that. I should not be doubting myself and hating myself. But I am. And it makes me feel just a bit unloved.

Have you ever?

Have you ever missed someone?

And I don't mean just remembered him and felt sad about not having him there. I mean, actually, really missed someone?

To the point that you can almost feel his hand holding yours or his arms wrapped around you, holding you as you lie in your bed.

Felt the almost physical ache of not having him there by your side. Or felt that nothing is going to be okay or right until you can curl up in his arms again. 

Have you ever gone somewhere incredibly beautiful- maybe to see a sunset, or just driven by the waterfront at night and seen the entire city twinkling with lights- and only thought about him because nothing means anything without him there?

Have you ever gone to clubs or parties and danced and danced but even through all the music and the people, all you wanted was to have that one person dancing with you and the only way you could stop thinking about him was to dance harder and harder until all the thoughts left your mind?

Have you ever gotten in bed at night and started crying because you want to see his face and hear his voice and just have him hold you again? 

Have your eyes ever teared up as you picture his smile, his hands, his arms, his kisses, his hugs, his everything and anything?

Have you wanted to rage at the world because that's not who you want, none of them are who you want and no one will do but him?

Have you ever felt the agony of having felt all this and known that this is what its going to be like for the foreseeable future?

Have you ever missed someone so much that even through all your happiness, you're painfully aware of a void in your life which just won't be filled until he's there again?

Have you?

Too far for far too long

Its the little things that get me every time. 

Remember when you got that old Indian song from your friend and you wanted to make me listen to it but ended up singing along to it. You sounded so happy, so serene and so perfect.

So I went and I looked for old videos of you singing. And I broke down. You'd be surprised at how strong and resilient I've been this past week. But the sound of your voice just made me sob like a child. 

There's no doubt about how good you sound and when you sing, it captivates me. You sound so strong and so sure and it amazes me how well I know that voice. And its been so long since I've heard you sing, it breaks my heart. 

I remember, last summer when you were interning and everyone at your office was sitting around and singing and I mentioned that I wanted to hear you sing too and you called me up all sneakily so I could hear you. You sounded so perfect then. Just like you sounded perfect in all those videos.

And it made me feel better and worse all at the same time. Your voice is like coming home. Its familiar and safe and warm. And its been so long since I've heard you sing. I don't think I've ever told you how much I miss it. Every time you sang along to some song or just randomly started singing while on the phone with me at night- it was amazing. 

Its the little things I miss. The sound of your voice, your singing, the phone calls from you while you drove home, random conversations about pointless things at night, leaving the leftover food in your car, kissing your cheek to smooth things over after I annoyed you, lacing my fingers through yours. Its always the fucking little things and I hate our situation all over again.

The inscrutibility of being

He looks up at the evening sun. He sees the children play, he sees them open their mouths and scream with all their might. He sees them clear as day. But he doesn’t hear them. He doesn’t hear anything. All he hears is silence. All he’s heard is silence for the past few years. He opens his mouth to speak but the words don’t come out. He ends up saying garbled gibberish and they look at him, confused, with polite smiles frozen on their faces. He realizes the futility of his efforts and smiles back and slowly lifts his hand to pat them on their heads one by one. They walk away, their duties done, smiling and giggling and talking to each other. Their voices nothing but faint murmurs to his ears.

He slowly walks back to his chair, his walking stick lying next to it, forgotten. He must remember to use it more often. His body isn’t what it once was. He is no longer the 6 ft. something, strapping young man he once was. He can barely stand now.

He thinks back to the old days; that is all he does now, think and reminisce. That is all he can do. He thinks about his childhood; his mother and his father. He thinks of his brother and sister. He thinks of his son and wife. All dead. He thinks about his nieces and nephews. Deserters who left him in his time of need. He thinks of his grandchildren. The only ones he has left; all so busy in their own lives that they can’t spare 5 minutes for him. But he doesn’t blame them. He doesn’t hold them to fault. He can’t. They’re his flesh and blood and his love for them goes beyond petty annoyances.

Then he thinks about his own life. He thinks about his childhood, spent in splendor during the British Raj. He thinks about his youth, spent laboring to get back to that splendor. He thinks about his drinking, gambling brother who left nothing for his children, save a loyal uncle. He thinks about his sister who died too young. He thinks about his mother, the wise woman who made one fatal mistake that led to the downfall of his entire family.

He thinks about his life spent doing menial jobs in order to feed his family. He thinks about the lands he was deployed to as a soldier, about the back-breaking labor he did. He thinks about his wife, the crude, harsh-talking woman he loved. He thinks about his one and only child, the son who defeated all odds for his parents and his children and left the world far too early. He thinks about the wars he fought in. He thinks about the Great War his uncles fought in. And he wonders if he should still be here.

He looks around once more. He tries to hear, but there is nothing but pin drop silence. He looks around and he sees with razor sharp clarity the sun fading into the mountains. And he wonders, how did it come to this?

I wrote this about you when you were still alive. I sometimes forget you're no longer here, I catch myself wanting to go see you and it suddenly hits me that I no longer can. You always seems so unbeatable to me. It all started with you and I am so proud of you. I wish I had said that to you while you were still here. But I know you're in a better place will everyone you love and I know I'll see you all again someday.

Love you, dadajan.

Ten times you were there for me

1. When my feet hurt from walking around in heels and you made me sit in the parking lot and gave me a foot massage before walking me back and letting me use your arm as a support.
2. Every time I ever fought with anyone and you made me feel better and told me how the other person was wrong but also, maybe I should have done things differently.
3. When my hand got messed up and you took me to the doctor just to make sure I got it checked and treated. 
4. When I got sick and couldn't get out of bed and kept crying and you stayed on the phone with me to make me feel better. Related: every time I get my periods and have horrible cramps and you make me feel better.
5. When I had nothing to do at work and was starving you showed up outside without telling me and made me leave early so we could go grab food.
6. When you took me to Fun City and played stupid arcade games with me. And when you got me the little snow globe and told me the little bears inside were you and me.
7. When you told me you would never stop me from going after my dreams and you'd always support me and have my back, no matter what I want to do.
8. Every time I got stranded anywhere and you came to pick me up and dropped me off. And waited for me, however reluctantly, till my car came.
9. When you went ahead and did me favors even though you were mad at me.
10. When you stayed on the phone and made me set up my room and taught me how to make an omelet on my first day in Canada.

Ten times you let me down

1. In Lahore when being with me was secondary to hanging out with your friend.
2. When I called you up upset about something while we were fighting and you told me you didn't care about anything in my life until I fixed things with you.
3. Every time you've taken one of my weaknesses and thrown it in my face during a fight, just to make a point.
4. When you told me you hated your birthday surprise last year and I give you really bad presents.
5. When it took you so long to get rid of her from your life, even though she hated me and said the worst sort of crap to you about me and our relationship. Most of which you never even told me at the time. 
6. When you told me I deserve everything you say to me. 
7. Every time I cry and you get pissed off without saying even a single thing to try to make it better.
8. When you told me I lie to you and make things up. And everything upsets me and hurts me and that is my problem, not yours.
9. When you told me I could either change or things would stay the same and I could go or stay and you'd just deal accordingly. On the same note, when you told me you wouldn't change even if it meant me leaving you.
10. When you told me you'd have to see me to tell me if you hated how I look now that I've lost weight or not.