When nothing makes sense.

You never understood my "emotional bullshit". You never understood why I like all those mushy posts or why I cried at TV shows or why every single Grey's Anatomy episode ended with me sending you emotional messages. Honestly, its just because I freaking love you. And I see you in everything. And everything, all that pain and emotion and love and sadness and happiness reminded me of you. If I was angry at you and I saw an episode where someone died in an accident, it would make me cry and get rid of my anger because I would start thinking of what if that was you and me. Everything reminded me of you.

You have that. You have that person who remembers you, who wants you. And who is willing to fight for you. And who wants to stay with you. And all I have is someone who wants to get rid of me. 

I want to scream and rage and get angry. I can't do this. I can't be that person who rises above. I tried so hard. I tried to let go of everything. But it all hurts. And I'm angry and bitter and sad and hurting. And I am not okay. I don't know what to do- I am so lost.

The only person I want to talk to who I know can help me make sense of this is you. But you are not an option right now. So I have to do it alone. I have to figure this out and I need time. But I'm so scared. I don't know what time will do. I don't know what I will want after this. And that scares me so much.

Times I didn't hit send #3

I don't know what we are. I don't know if we're friends or beyond that or almost back together. I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't feel right if I don't talk to you. It doesn't feel right if I let a day go by without making sure we're both okay.
I feel like we're walking on a tightrope and the smallest of things can throw us over. And I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure we get to the other side. But I don't know how. I can't do it alone and I feel like I have to. Like making sure getting to the other side matters more to me than it does to you. And that's what you've made me believe. Every time you told me it's not you, it's me. Every time you told me I can do whatever I want and you'll deal accordingly. That's what you made me believe.
You asked me what I'm so stressed about and I left this part out. With everything else, I feel like I have to carry this friendship or this relationship forward on my own. And I can't do it. It's too much and I can't do it. And I can't even tell you about it because I'll just be ruining things.
Things have been so good with us and you have been so perfect but there are moments like these when I just feel so utterly alone and you're not there to make it go away.

Times I didn't hit send #2

There is a million things I want to say to you but they come and go.
You don't know me the way you should. Did you know that there's two places that simultaneously fascinate me and scare the crap out of me? Outer space and the ocean. I don't know much about either but whenever I see something on marine animals, I read it! I can't step on the crack in the pavement- it makes my feet feel weird. And a million other things. And there's so much about you that I don't know.
It pisses me off when I think about this. Why didn't we do this? Why didn't we get to know each other more? We spent the first month together looking for places to make out when we should have just talked to each other. We were just idiots who got serious without really realizing what was happening or how we should be handling it.

Times I didn't hit send #1

You expect too much of me. I love that you want me to be better. But I'm fucking human. I am not perfect and I never will be. I accept you with your flaws and imperfections and I think you're all the more beautiful for having them and it kills me that I can't have the same thing. I hate that you can list ten horrible things about me in 5 seconds but it'd probably take you a day to list down 10 good things- or maybe it won't, I don't know because I haven't heard anything good about myself from you in ages.
Couples love each other for their quirks and habits and I don't even know what you like about me anymore. You hate everything, from the way I walk to my choice in jewellery to the shows I watch to my love for blogging to forgetfulness. What do I have left that you like?
It's okay if you don't like all that stuff- you're entitled to your opinion and dislikes. But who loves me for me? You call this Tumblr shit, but you have that person. I love you just the way you are. But I don't have that. What's wrong with me that I can't have that? Why can't I have that? Why can't YOU give me that?
I shouldn't be asking that. I shouldn't feel the need to ask that. I should not be doubting myself and hating myself. But I am. And it makes me feel just a bit unloved.

Fleeting smiles and lavender silhouettes

She puts on her mother’s dress. It hangs off her small frame, the straps falling off her shoulders but she doesn't seem to notice. She puts curlers in her hair and red lipstick on her lips, accidentally smearing it across her right cheek. She ties the clasp of the pearl necklace around her neck. Exactly like a grown up. Exactly like her mother. She looks in the mirror and smiles.

Her mother looks in from the doorway. Her clothes flung around the room, expensive dresses strewn across the floor. Her makeup scattered all over the dressing table. And she looks at the child smiling at herself in the mirror. She feels something pull at her heart.

Stop. Don’t. Stay a child. Don’t grow up. Don’t have your heart broken. Don’t face life. Just curl up in your bed and pull the covers over your head. Stay there for as long as you can. Believe that you’ll be safe there. Believe I’ll protect you- from anything and everything. Know that you’ll be safe there and know that I’ll do whatever I can to keep it that way.  There’s nothing good for you over here. So just stay.

She opens her mouth to speak. To say all the words she wants to. She wants to run to the child and take her in her arms and keep her there forever, where she’ll be safe. Where she’ll be able to protect her. She clasps her hands in front of her heart to quell the ache. And she straightens up. There’s no time for weakness.

“Clean up the room.”

And she watches the smile disappear.

Losing track

I forgot again.

I was half asleep and half awake. Or maybe I was dreaming. I'm not sure.
But I forgot.

And I started making plans. You used to love spas. And I started planning going for a pedicure with you when you come to Vancouver. I saw you- sitting in a white robe, with your feet in a tub of water. You looked the same.

For a brief period of time. I completely forgot.

I thought I'd see you again. And I thought you'd come visit me soon. And I was making plans for us to spend days just spending time with each other.

And when I woke up, I felt so stupid.

Its been a decade. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I guess not.

Eat. Pray. Love. And then eat some more.

I have these moments every now and then when I'm at peace. Even if shit has hit the ceiling and nothing is right. I feel peace. I just know that its all on me. And that makes me feel better than anything else can. I don't like being powerless. I don't like thinking there's nothing I can do. But you're never really powerless. Even its something as simple as looking within yourself and finding that little bit of peace you need- its on you.

Sometimes I don't understand it.

Maybe its because I'm mostly alone now. I used to think that taking time away from people and discovering yourself was something made up by rich white people who had too much money and time on their hands. But honestly, just looking out my window, at the trees and the sky and the handful of people playing on the field opposite my building- I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon. Its quiet and peaceful. And its just what I need right now, when everything in my life is chaotic and messy. I need this silence and calm.

I don't know what's happening. I don't what my future holds. Or where this will end up. But I know everything is going to be okay. God hasn't ever let me down and He won't leave me now. When I got here, I used to feel alone. Like I had nothing and no one to turn to here, but I was walking to work today and I realized that I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel alone here anymore. I know there's somewhere out there who's got my back and with Him looking out for me, there's nothing that can go wrong. I can't thank Him enough for giving me the strength and patience to face the world and whatever comes at me and for making me realize that I don't need to weigh myself down with anger and sorrow and with the flaws and mistakes of others- that isn't on me. I don't need to rage and fight and be miserable- I can let it all go. All I have to do is forgive and forget- even if the other person doesn't realize s/he needs it- and He'll take care of the rest.

I know I sound a bit off and kooky to everyone with my new philosophy and almost everyone is just waiting for me to stop with this nonsense and just go back to normal. But I don't want to. You might not understand it, you might think I'm being stupid and acting like a doormat and you might think its a just a phase but I'm happy. But its more than that- happiness is fleeting and it comes and goes- I'm content. My insides are at peace and even when I'm sad and nothing makes sense to me- I know that life is okay.

And that's pretty much all that matters.